Charleston to barge ahead of global warming
2009/04/01, 1:15 pm
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Barge Ahead


With scientific evidence steadily mounting as to the ncreased likelihood of global warming-induced sea level rise, Charleston City planners have begun a feasibility study concerning the gradual transplanting of the city’s fabled historic district (at least S.O.B.) to a huge, floating barge.Mr. Delagault Dimwiddie, director of the city’s newly formed Office of Apocalyptic Affairs, revealed in a press conference last week that various new options are being explored to save Charleston from the near-certainty that much of the city will be flooded by a sea level rise of five feet or more by the end of the century.”I’m finally a believer in sea level rise,” says Dimwiddie, citing the pernicious liberal conspiracy.

While technological and construction details haven’t yet been worked out, Dimwiddie remains optimistic that the plan is practical. Unlimited cheap labor will be no problem, he says. His office is hard at work on a project to round up the hordes of South Carolina’s unemployed and incarcerated citizens and put them to gainful work. “Slavery made Charleston great once … maybe it’s time to try it again,” he commented.

Long-term funding is assured. Per the plan’s “reverse tourism” feature, we’ll eventually be able to take the Holy City directly to the tourists — on both sides of the Atlantic. Besides, unrestricted gambling, once Charleston becomes a big, offshore boat, is sure to generate significant further revenue.

“And seceding from the Union (at least for Charleston) won’t be nearly as much of a problem next time,” Dimwiddie quipped. By adding offensive weaponry to the Battery’s shore defenses (and converting the south end of East Bay Street to an airstrip), the city can even subcontract to the Defense Department, giving Citadel cadets unlimited future opportunities to start new wars.

“We can even preserve Charleston’s hallmark cuisine,” Mr. D. mused. The idea is to hang seafood farming enclosures over the side, once the marshes have drowned and local marine species are extinct. “That way, we can preserve the Lowcountry oyster roast and keep serving shrimp ‘n’ grits.” (The matter of grits procurement has yet to be addressed.)

“Just think,” he concluded, “It’ll be like Noah’s Ark all over again: We can ride out this pinko-commie-liberal-generated climate crisis, and repopulate abandoned coastal regions once it’s over. And there’ll be nothing to stop us from maintaining our precious red-state traditions and fascination with the past.”–By Lindsay Koob

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